I am Forever Changed

Has your faith ever been just dead? Have you ever felt hopeless? Has your sin and guilt just taken over you? Have you ever had doubts that God even existed? Have you ever felt so worthless that you think that God would never want you? Has their ever been a time in your life where you couldn't see God at all?

Well, join the club.

Everyone has these doubts and feelings. I know I have. My parents are really strong Christians and my dad has Bible study with us a lot. At five or six years old, I was in Sunday school, learning about Jesus. I actually listened too. I've always had a decent memory, so I was memorized verses and remembered Bible stories. At a young age, I accepted Jesus Christ has my Savior.

When I six, Dad knew I understood everything he had taught me. He told me he wanted to get me baptized. To be honest, I remember a little frightened. I had seen another people getting baptized and didn't like the idea of getting my head under water. (Hey, I was only six!) A few week afterwards, I got baptized. After that, I continued living like I always did.

But something was missing. To tell you the truth, I didn't really feel saved. Now I know this kind of stuff really isn't supposed to be about our feelings, but I guess I just didn't see God in my life. Sure, I saw plenty of God in the world and in other people's lives, but not in mine. I couldn't see Him. I just lived life, went to church, read the Bible every once in awhile. That was it. I understood it, and I believed it, I guess. I enjoyed Bible Quiz and was involved in church stuff, but I didn't really have a good relationship with God.

But we moved to a new church a few years later.. Our new pastor was a little different that our old one.

He made me realize what made me realize how God wasn't involved in my life like He should be. Of course, that wasn't His fault. It was mine. To be honest, every time Dad called me for Bible study I thought, "Aw, man. Can't wait till this is over." 

To tell you the truth, God just wasn't a big priority in my life. I wrote about Him in my books, but that was it. I had my own plan for my life. My impossible, biggest dream was to be a pop-star in Hollywood or get my book published. What would be the purpose of that? To be famous! To have a exciting life! To be looked to! I'll face it: The purpose of my dream was  to glorify me, not to glorify God.

Well, this year, I started to feel really hopeless. Not a lot of times, but often. To tell you the truth, it was almost like I was bipolar. I would be fine and happy for awhile, but  if something would go wrong in our family or in my life, I would just break. I would cry and wonder the purpose of life was. Some of the things I thought and did are so terrible that I hate thinking about them, like really hate thinking about it.

But it was one day, when I felt like the weight of the world was on me, (when it really wasn't), I realized how much I needed God. I need him desperately. It was the one day that God finally got through to me. He was telling me, "Why are you running? You know you can't make it without me!" I wouldn't listen to Him, even though I knew He was right.

And now... a half a year later, I just can't get enough for him! I see Him everyday. Like Saturday, when our computer was still broke down. Ellie prayed that Dad would find some way to write his sermon, and less than half a hour later, Mom called us. She said it was fixed! Even just little things like that make a big difference in my life! I am still learning so much and I still get depressed sometimes, but I have found my lesson to live! Jesus.

That's why I am forever changed.